In high school back in Vietnam, I sat in the same class with the same people for all subjects for 3 years. For an introvert like myself, this gave me a generous amount of time to slowly open up with each individual in my class. It took me a year and a half to get those bonds, then after that, we were just inseparable.
After I moved to the U.S. for college, things changed drastically. Different classes. Different people. We no longer have that much time to get to know each other as deeply as before. I felt pressured to start making friends because all conversations seemed either transactional or just surface-level. To an extent, I became one of them, who just asked that generic question “How are you doing?”, even when I was not emotionally available to care about them, just because it was something everyone else did.
Additionally, the purpose and background differences widened the gap of making friends even harder. Indeed, with the by-the-book mindset from high school, where studying is everything, I cared for nothing else. And finding a friend who deeply cared about studying was ironically hard. Firstly, let’s put this in a doing-assignment context. I wanted to make the slides more creative, but they think that was beyond enough; I wanted deep research with quantitative proof so that we can be more confident in Q&A for the presentation, they think that was beyond enough; I spent my weekend reviewing my notes since I could not comprehend the lecture that well, or as fast as my friends, they think I was obsessed with grades. “Enough” for them was the baseline for me. Sometimes, sharing the stories of how I cared about studying made me feel like I was pushing my friends away, because we were just not the same.
Secondly, we can put it in a family background context. They were wondering where they should go on vacation with their families during the break. I struggled to finish all the insurance paperwork (my parents don’t know English) while planning to catch up with the work at school during the break. They hung out in different places. I felt guilty spending Mom’s money because one cent spent will be hours of working, so I ended up at my dorm. This was not saying whose one fault, I just want to say the differences in background, cultural, and financial conditions can really hinder one from creating meaningful relationships with others.
I was self-conscious about how harsh I was with myself sometimes, but I thought I could handle it. These experiences started to build in me the habit of “filtering” my relationships. I spoke less to those I felt had different boundaries. I stayed silent in the presence of those who disrespected. Luckily, I found some friends who could listen and understand what I am going through. Until then, I realized that I don’t have to change or lower my boundaries to allow more people to get into my circle, because the real ones can understand that boundary, no matter how different we are.